Too Much

Every week I make an internal list of all of the things I want, and need to do.  The list keeps growing, but my drive to actually do them shrinks.  I don't seem to have the energy to pot plants this year, mow the lawn or do anything that takes any kind of effort.  What the hell is wrong with me?

Last year when my youngest was just tiny, not quite running away, or crawling away from me, I could get a load of things done during the day.  But this year, I sit, I sit and think.  I am consumed by putting things off.  I want to work, but nothing comes quite quickly, or maybe easily enough.  It worries me some days.  Maybe I've been stagnant for too long.  Maybe I'm no longer hungry enough.  I've got ideas constantly spinning in my head, but my body feels much to heavy to put them on paper.  

The days can seem so long, yet at the same time they disappear before I know what hit me.  I long for the evening most days, when things are quiet, when I can be in peace.  And then I lay there in the dark worrying.  Worrying whether I've done enough that day, or am I letting my life slip by me, while I do nothing about it.  Sometimes it feels so empty, there's a void, I'm just not sure how to fill.

I have to get this under control, it's depressing, smothering.  I know all of the things I should do, tackle one thing a day, and I might get on track.  I don't know though, can I?  The piles of stuff, the boxes of stuff, the bags of stuff, I feel I'm trapped by stuff, and things I need to do about it.  I would love for it to evaporate sometimes, just fall away from me.  But it's always there, piles of laundry, a dishwasher full of dishes, dirty floors and bathrooms and the endless lists of things that must be organized.  Does everyone have this feeling? 

I just need to do it, get it over with, purge myself of the stuff, and the feelings that go along with it.  But I'm so tired.